Top Ten Things to Never Ask a Tall Girl
I’m a big girl, vertically speaking that is. I’m six feet tall, not 50, but I might as well be with all of the stares and inappropriate comments I get on a daily basis. For some reason, being a tall girl seems to fascinate the masses, and no one thinks twice before asking me the obvious, You sure are tall, aren’t ya? questions. I’m painfully aware of how tall I am and pointing it out to me is not helping, so please stop. As a public service, here are answers to the top ten questions we tall girls get every single day of our freakishly oversized lives!
10. How tall are you? I’m six feet tall. Nuh uh, you’re taller than that ’cause I’m six foot two. (Always the first response made by men.)
Yes, in fact, I’m exactly six feet tall. Really, doctors have verified it. So, the truth is that you’re only five foot nine. Please stop trying to make yourself taller by making me even taller than I actually am!
9. Wow, I didn’t think you were THAT tall! (Always the first response made by women.)
Yes, I’m THAT tall, and making me feel like a freak by accentuating THAT is rude. I wouldn’t say, “Wow, I didn’t think you were THAT fat,” so please don’t say it to me.
8. Do you play basketball and/or volleyball? No, I play miniature golf.
Seriously, why would you even ask me this? It’s like asking Asian people if they’re good at math, or Italian people if they’re mobsters, or women named Destiny if they’re strippers. You’re stereotyping, that’s wrong, and it’s exhausting!
7. Where do you buy your pants? In a store, obviously.
Granted, it’s an online specialty store and I have a tough time finding pants that cover my ankles, but why is this any of your business anyway?
6. How may I help you, sir? Well, you could start by selling me these tampons without reassigning my gender first.
I can’t tell you how many times this happens at the store checkout. Then, when they look directly at me, they get that deer in the headlights look in their eyes because I’m very clearly a woman. I imagine their inner monologue goes something like this: My peripheral vision saw a tall person, so I assumed it was a man. But, oh god, it isn’t a man, it’s an incredibly beautiful tall woman that I just offended by calling her sir. I will now make it worse by staring at her in disbelief. Maybe I’ll ask how tall she is, that will make it all better.
5. How tall is your husband? It doesn’t matter when we’re laying down!
I love this question because my husband is, in fact, two and a half inches shorter than me and it’s never been a problem from day one, so why is this of such interest to you?
4. Are your parents tall? Not exceptionally, so they probably just found me in a very long basket on their front porch one day and decided to keep me.
Is this line of questioning really relevant right now because all I want to do is buy this tube of toothpaste, lady, so what’s with all the genealogy questions?
3. Do you belong to the Tall Club? Ugh!
No, it’s funny how I’m able to interact and communicate with short, fat, stupid, and ugly people with no problem at all, so I don’t need to join a special club.
2. What size shoe do you wear? The big kind.
Size 12 (13 on a good day), if you really must know. Not that it’s any of your business, but while we’re at it, what size bra do you wear? I’d probably fall over if I didn’t have big feet, so don’t look so shocked. Oh, and yes, I do wear heals…deal with it!
1. Mommy, she’s sooooo big!!! (The struggle is real.)
A child actually said this to me with her outside voice in the middle of a grocery store one time. Seriously people, keep your tiny little humans away from me before I squash them with my giant clown feet!